Miscarriage Story Part 2: Beauty for Ashes
The Aftermath…The Ripple Effect
After the procedure, I went home, laid in the bed and cried.. They give me pills to take that would help continue to flush my cervix from any remaining tissue. The pills make you cramp a lot, so I popped some IBuprofen to ease the pain. My husband left me to myself, and entertained our three year old son. I slept, cried, and ate.
There are all of these elaborate, creative and fun ways to reveal a pregnancy to others, but no one prepares you for the moment where you have to “untell” everyone. Telling your friends and family that your not pregnant anymore is heart wrenching. Saying it out loud is admitting that something terrible happened to you. It can feel very shameful.
I ripped off the bandaid and sent out a text to my teacher team Sunday night explaining I had a miscarriage, and that I’d be back to work on Monday. I also said that I prefer to not talk about the miscarriage in the message, I just wasn’t ready to go there yet.
Untelling my students that I wasn’t pregnant any more was the hardest. It hurt, and made me feel very embarrassed. For lack of better comparison, it’s like standing up to accept an award before the person calls your name, only for them to call someone else’s. After telling my students the news, some of them shed tears, and others offered me stories of their own mother’s experiences. I appreciated their support, but hated myself for telling them so soon.
About a month later, my sister in law called on video chat and announced she was pregnant. How can you be happy for someone who has what you just lost?
How I made it through
In all honesty, I struggled with the news of my sister-in-law’s pregnancy, but I made a conscious effort not to become envious. I publicly congratulated her in church, and briefly spoke on my own loss.
She hugged me after church one day with tears in her eyes. This moment changed our relationship. It wasn’t like we didn’t like one another, but it was a silent and sacred bond that didn’t need to be discussed, but I believe was very much understood by the both of us.
A few months later, I found that my sister in law didn’t want to announce her pregnancy because of what I had just been through. I didn’t want her to feel like she couldn’t be excited about her first child, because I had lost mine.
I pushed through my loss, by offering her support and words of encouragement. Honestly, there is no way I would have made it through this without the help from my heavenly father. I prayed a lot, and asked God to heal my heart and hurt.
After having a miscarriage, the floodgates of women who I saw all the time, spoke to all the time, communed with all the time, began to tell me their miscarriage story. Those stories helped me get through. I guess one of the reasons most people don’t discuss miscarriage, is because it’s not a topic that you bring up especially after finding out someone is pregnant. I do, however, believe that when a woman goes through this, it’s our duty to share our story.. Everyone experiences trauma in different ways, but having someone to talk to that shares a similar experience is a very powerful tool.
5 Ways to Heal After A Miscarriage
- Don’t rush yourself through
Grief doesn’t have a timeline. There is not going to be a time when you “get over it”, but only a time where you accept what has happened, and move forward from it. Don’t let anyone rush you through the process of grief. Take all the necessary time it takes for you to heal.
- Acknowledge what happened
When some people experience grief, or trauma, they don’t want to acknowledge what happened so they often continue life as if nothing happened, (I’m those people). After my miscarriage I went to work on Monday morning after loosing my child that Saturday. Looking back on it I should have taken time to acknowledge what happened so that I could process it. Processing a loss is necessary to moving forward in a healthy way.
- Seek out support.
Everyone is not comfortable speaking about their trauma with other people, especially strangers. Seeking support doesn’t have to be in the form of a group, it could simply mean talking to others with similar experiences, or even reading blogs or books about other women who have miscarried.
There is power in commonality. I also want to mention that talking to your spouse or partner can help especially if they were there during the miscarriage. Although they didn’t experience it physically, they probably will have similar feelings about it. The less you feel isolated, the more open you are to sharing your experiences, which in turn will help you through the process. You can always also seek professional help from a therapist, or a pastor. Do what works for you!
- Get it out in a healthy way
Maybe you are not a talker. Journaling is a great way to express how we feel about things that have happened to us. In fact, when we journal things, often we have “therapeutic moments” when our perspective about our experience is enlightened or altered in some way. Most importantly, writing about it can be a way of getting our emotions, fears, anger, and frustrations out on paper. Expressing yourself in other ways can be helpful, you can use other mediums like art and dance to get your emotions out. Whatever you do, get it out in a healthy way.l Turning to drugs and alcohol will only temporarily numb the pain. The point is to heal the wound, not to ignore it. Remember an untreated cut will get infected.
- Get up and get moving.
It is so easy to want to curl up in your bed in a dark room and lock out the outside world (Trust me I did it for two days straight.), but this is not going to help you in the long term. I’m not saying that you won’t need time to yourself, but don’t stay there. The longer you stay in bed the harder for you to get out of it. Start small, go sit on the patio and sip your favorite tea or coffee. This is a great time to write down your thoughts. Go on a walk by yourself, or with family if you’re up to it.
I hope this post has helped you in some way. If you are someone else have experienced a miscarriage, and would like to share your experience, please comment below. Please share this blog with other women who may be suffering silently. There is strength in commonality.
Need More Support?
Click here to register for the free Bereavement Manual specifically designed for women who have miscarried provided by the March of Dimes.
~Peace & Love
I write not only because it’s my passion, but also because I am really tired of only seeing picture perfect versions of people. YouReallyReddit is a place where you are going to get the real take on life, marriage, parenting and anything else that I want to write about!
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