Before we get into the nitty-gritty, I will start with my own truth. I am a recovering people pleaser.
Here is the good news, I slowly discovered a few truths that helped me overcome my people-pleasing tendencies.
Luckily for you, I am going to give you all 5 truths in one post.
Truth #1: People Who Receive the Benefits of a People Pleaser are Often Inconsiderate
This one was a game changer for me.
I found that often when I would do things to appease others I would get super frustrated.
I could not understand how someone would consider even asking me for some “ favors”.
Sometimes the favor would be an extremely large task that would not even be fair to ask unless they had no other options.
But most of the time they had another option they just didn’t want to use it out of not wanting to inconvenience themselves.
Other times the people that would ask me to do these favors would already have knowledge of my extremely tight schedule.
The more I did things for other people in spite of what I had going on the more stressed I’d become.
Truth #2: No One Will Ever Have You the Way You Will
You are probably saying to yourself well my family and friends are supportive.
This is true for most people, but because at the end of the day everyone including your family and friends has their own priorities they are going to look out for themselves before you.
So how does this tie into people-pleasing? When you understand this concept it helps you make sound decisions for yourself.
Before you agree to do something for someone, ask yourself, “If I do this, is it going to be a good decision for me?”
Sometimes you will sacrifice to help other people, but you should feel good about it, not that the person is taking advantage of your kindness.
Truth # 4 Being A People Pleaser Attracts Users
When people know you will say yes to them, it attracts others who have intentions to be a user.
Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why you continue to attract people who use you?
Let me solve the mystery for you. Because once people see that they can get what they want from you they are going to want to be “your friend”.
Some people are natural givers, and likewise, there are people in this world who are natural takers.
Because being a giver may feel like second nature to you, you have to be mindful of offering unsolicited help.
I’ve also found that the reverse of this truth is just as true. When you stop pleasing people, it weeds out those who are around you only to get things from you.
Truth # 3 Users Often Don’t Ask For Things Directly
One commonality is that people who often do not ask directly do so to get sympathy from you.
Another reason users do not ask for help directly is that once you ask someone for help it opens the door for a conversation.
A user never wants to conversate about their situation normally because they do not want your advice on how to make their situation better the next time.
They simply just want to keep pulling at your heartstrings so that you will help with no questions asked.
I found that I’d much rather do something for someone who tells me what’s going on, and simply asks for help.
It takes a humble person to ask for help.
Often when someone asks for help directly it is because they truly need it.
Truth # 4 Being A People Pleaser Causes Stress
When you are constantly doing things for other people it’s draining. You are literally putting everyone else’s needs in front of yours.
Being a yes man or a yes woman puts you in a personal prison. But when you start telling people no boy oh boy is it’s freeing!
According to the Mayo Clinic, being assertive can actually reduce stress and increase your self esteem.
When you start telling people no to things you are putting your needs first. You are in turn freeing yourself from others priorities.
I challenge you that the next time someone asks you to do something you truly do not want to do-say no.
Truth #5 People Pleasers Have Difficulty Using their Voice
After I started to realize that I had a problem telling people “no” I had to figure out what the actual problem was.
If you ask anyone that knows me they’d probably tell you that I come off as a very confident, strong person, but I was not always that way.
I had a tendency to feel pressured to do things that I just didn’t want to do. I just didn’t want to deal with confrontation.
Now I don’t consider myself confrontational, but I do believe that God gave me a voice so I’d be doing him a disservice if I refused to use it.
Using your voice takes practice, the more you do it the more comfortable you will become doing it.
It may take you some time to get over being a people pleaser, but I promise you when you really internalize these truths I’ve given you and start to make slow changes. You will experience true freedom.
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