Lately, celebrity relationship drama has been all over my social media. Michael B. Jordan, Lori Harvey, Sean “P Diddy” Combs, and Kevin Gates have all been in the hot seat.
Even some of my close friends have been struggling with dating. Listening to their complaints about the dating scene, I have come to notice that each of my friends struggle with similar things.
Dating has come a long way. There was a time when you could not meet someone unless you were in some type of social setting.
Now with dating apps like Tinder, Facebook Dating, and other social media platforms, meeting new people has become easier.
So the question is, if it is easier to “meet people” then why is it that you keep finding yourself in failing relationships?
I believe there are 5 main reasons that relationships do not work. When you know what those reasons are, you are less likely to waste your time, and energy.
1. Different Expectations
Whether you are meeting someone online or going on a blind date, you have to have a discussion about expectations.
Some people go on dates because they like to meet new people, some are dating to find the person they want to be with for the rest of their lives, and some go on dates just to hook up with someone.
Whatever the reason, you have to make sure that you are clear about the expectations of the other person. If you discover the person is not dating for the same reason you are then save yourself the headache and move on.
The problem with some people, is that the person will tell you their expectations and even if yours are different, for some reason you still entertain the other person.
Stop entertaining people who have different expectations as you have!
All this does is start the “relationship” or the “situationship” out on the wrong foot. Find someone who has the same expectations as you, but also know that just because both of you want a serious relationship, doesn’t mean that they are the person you should be with!
This leads me to my next point: Find someone you’re compatible with!
2. Confusing Comradery and Compatibility
Another common issue that I notice with dating, is that people are dating people they simply are not compatible with! I believe that this happens because often comradery and compatibility often get confused.
Grammarly defines comradery as “a spirit of friendship and community between two people or a group of people.” Have you ever started dating someone and said that you should have just remained friends?
This is probably because you and that other person were comrades, but not compatible. Don’t get me wrong, I am a firm believer that you should be friends with the person you’re dating, but you should have to be compatible.
Compatibility is different from comradery, because compatibility is when two people have similar morals.
Google defines compatibility as, “a state in which two things are able to exist or occur together without problems or conflict.”
Does this mean that two people who are compatible are not going to have any conflict or problems? Absolutely not, but the more compatible you are the less major conflicts you will have with the other person.
For example, let’s look at a scenario where two people have comradery, but they lack compatibility:
David and Samantha have been dating for 6 months. They both have a similar passion for sports, and music. They love hanging out at the local bar to watch their favorite sporting events and catching local concerts.
David loves kids but doesn’t want to have any of his own. Samantha wants children within a year of marriage.
They have discussed this before and although they understand that this is a major deal, they decided they will figure it out later down the road.
David figures since they have so much in common Samantha will eventually settle for not having kids. Samantha figures since her and David have similar likes, he will eventually come around to the idea of having children with her.
This scenario is very common with people who are dating. Before you decide to be in a relationship with someone you have to determine if you are simply comrades or if you are compatible.
Getting into a relationship with someone whose morals are very different from yours or who doesn’t share the same “like-mindedness” is a recipe for disaster.
Here are a few issues that you need to discuss before agreeing to date someone seriously:
- Do you plan on having children?
- What will your parenting style be?
- Do you believe in God?
- How do you view money?
- How do you communicate?
- What do you consider cheating?
- What is your love language?
- What are your views on gender roles in marriage?
3. Do they love you or do they love the crew?
It is natural to want to bring your significant other around your friends. I actually recommend it. Often the way your boyfriend/girlfriend responds to your friends can be an eye opening experience to you and your partner.
Maybe you discover the person you are dating acts in a completely different way around their “friends”. This may not work for you.
But in a perfect world your boyfriend/girlfriend would get along with your friends. However, here is where this can become a problem.
When you and the person you are hanging out with find yourself only spending time together around each other’s friends, you may end up falling for the “crew” and not the person.
What I mean by this is that you are not getting enough alone time with the other person, and they end up falling in love with the people and vibe, verses falling in love with you.
Alone time with the other person is important, because this is the time where you get to find out if you are truly compatible with the other person.
Make sure that you spend enough time alone with the person you are dating. Ask the hard questions and truly get to know them on a deeper level.
If you are married check out this article on Establishing Boundaries with Your Friends In Your Marriage.
4. Loose Ends with an Ex
A tale tale sign that the relationship is not going to work is if the person has not tied up loose ends with their ex.
Having loose ends with an ex is never good because it gives the person an excuse to be welcomed back into their exes life.
For example, does the person still have some of their exes items in their home? Are they sharing a vehicle, is the person’s name on the lease of their apartment? If so, is there a plan in action to remove the person’s name from the vehicle or apartment?
This may be a tough conversation to have, but it is so necessary. If you are in a serious relationship with someone else, tying loose ends is important for the health and security of your relationship.
If the person you are dating is not willing or seems very offensive about this topic, it could mean they are not truly over their ex.
They may be intentionally leaving things open in case there’s a chance to get back together with the other person.
5. Feeling You Have to Change Yourself
The final sign that the relationship is not going to work is when you feel like you have to change major things about yourself in order for the other person to like you.
Disclaimer: Relationships should cause positive and productive change, what I mean by changing yourself is changing your core values for someone else.
You may be thinking that you’d never do something like this, but it happens more often than we are willing to admit.
I was raised in church so naturally my religious beliefs were something that I highly valued. As I “seriously” began dating in high school and into college, I found myself in relationships where I felt like I had to cover up my core values.
Now, I know and understand that I was compromising myself and even my identity. I was more focused on comradery and not compatibility.
After I met my husband, I truly understood what it meant to be compatible with someone.
I did not feel like I had to hide a part of my life, or adjust my values to make the other person feel comfortable.
If you are in a relationship where you feel like you have to change major things about yourself. Run, run, as fast as you can! It is not going to work and all it will do is make you unhappy, because you can only fake it for so long.
Relationships are wonderful, but often they can be very tricky to navigate. I encourage you to meet new people, and enjoy your life.
It is natural for someone to want companionship and to find their person, but it is also true that no one likes wasting their time.
If you notice any of these warning signs when you find yourself in a relationship. Take a step back and reevaluate the situation.
I’d rather be single and happy than to be wasting my time in a relationship with someone who truly is not for me.
~Peace and Love,
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